Boo Boo, Bah Bah, Humbug.

A moan a day keeps my pyschiatrist at arms length.

2009-07-19T04:04:00.000-07:00

This blog was always intended to moan from, anonomously, but you see we're not very secretive so its a bit obvious of our names n such, so i dont care if its anonomous. But i have to outpour everything that is grating on me, me and waldorf seem to think too much so its a by product we wont like alot of things. Trvial things are the worse, such as vaccuums. Recently ive noticed how much i dislike vacuums and how if im walking up my street and i can hear out the window the vacuum is in full swing i won't go in. It is the most boring and monotonous sound in the world. Even the look, the size and the time it takes the vaccuum are some of the most annoying times in my life. If you measured my blood pressure before and during a vaccuum attack, it would sky rocket during. The ones with smug little faces, henry? is that is name? They are the worse, theyr appear frienly with their cheerful expression that are equally capable of that atrocious noise. HC booth you wanke theres was nothing wrong with brooms, dont try and change something thats good enough.

I also get really annoyed by pottering about, i wish people would just get a proper puprose in their actions. You know like people who unnesesarily stalk around, clicking their fingers and mask their non sense of direction by wiping a few crumbs off a table, or dusting the clock or just picking up a glass youve barely finished with and getting annoyed that you've left it there for 2.4 seconds. Parents are really good at this, i think its cus their used to doing so much in the week that at the weekend they become pottering zombies. I used to be a waitress and you get good at pottering, in fact it is probably because of trivial rubbish, annoying jobs that i hate pottering about. Shiffting a few boxes round in a cupboard, filling up straws because 5 of them have gone missing, or clearing away a sugar packet off a table even though someones still sitting their, and you get twelve year old "assistant managers", such as this kid called adam who i used to work with telling you to do this, why his tubby head stands all smug and contet with his meaningless career choice. Some people are really good at pointless jobs, and in fact their not pointless because it's buisness and you need buisness but i should never be stuck in a shop, climbing the walls because im standing around trying to convice people that £2.99 is the price and no we can't barter on it i am not an morroocan jewell merchant, and yes your so funny when you pretend to do a runner.

And lastly before the world explodes with negativity is people who don't do the speed limit and that my friends...is absolutly no one. I think its a sign of how much of a shit driver you are if you cant do the speed limit and have one robotic speed in all variations, do they hope that every single road they come across will be 40 mph, ahh its a 30 area fuck that im doing 40, ahhh its national speed limit fuck that im doing 40, ahh im driving up my drive fuck that im doing 40, ahhh im going through a safari park fuck that im doing 40. You idiots, their should be an iq minimum on learning to drive. The worse are the intentional speeders though. The ones who think its a measure of their prowess and fitness and if you can speed your some greek adonis and that your big FAT foot and complete lack of care for your car shows that your gene pool is one to be highly sought after. When i see someone speed past me it sends shivers down my spine, god its so arousing you must be a real man or some boudican warrior woman, i feel so belittled and meaningless to you, you must really have good....good....oh no wait, theres nothing good about that person because there is absolutly no effort involved at all, except perhaps risking killing some child or somert. You are sitting on your arse, you barely have to move your arms to steer, indicating is about the most strenuous activity involved in driving, or maybe adjusting your seat.

Anyways im bored now songs i like are mr hudsong-supernova and noisettes- never forget me, i really like never forget me, the video is well cool. I also enjoy michael jackson beat it, because of that stockholm video with all the dancers thats wicked that is. This blogs probabaly not very coherant but it was just a spontaneous decanting of my thoughts

up yours dr waldorf.

2009-07-07T10:30:00.001-07:00

Allanah is a threatening beast, she said she'd hit me where it hurts which is my pride and joy this blog. So i thought to keep it going, i shall post some songs that i am loving at the moment, plus it makes it easy for me to find them to listen to as i forgot the password to my laptop and now can NEVER use the internet to download shh. Updates, things are very very well thankyou mysterious blog readers. I do have some topics for bloggin but ill wait until a bit because at the moment i really need the toilet.

Here we go chillun.

Frankmusik-Gotta boyfriend, Better of as two.

Marina and the diamonds-Obsessions

oren lavie-Her morning elegance

Maybe going to see frankmusik in mankyland deaf centre as hes a knob and doesnt want to play in bimringham but oh wells

your musically

statlers.

I take my squinty eyes but raise you some war crimes.

2009-06-07T10:47:00.000-07:00

Rosa: "Kerry, can i ask you something,"

Kerry: "Yeah..."

Tentative, serious pause, as if weighing up if the curiosity will kill the nazi cat.

Rosa: "You know when you laugh....can you see out of your eyes?"....

So she drew my plight. The answer is...yes yes i can see out of my eyes when i laugh.

Queen craphole

2009-06-01T13:11:00.000-07:00

Well just one more. I thought i'd have a bit of a bitch about is this swine flu breakout. Yeah yeah seems like old news now doesn't it. But oh no wait...not in BIRMINGHAM it aint, oh no no no. It was very unsuprising when we first heard the whisps of a pandemic sized virus sweeping its way through the globe, that it wouldn't have one of its rally points in birmingham. Seriously its depressing. It was just like ohh yes swine flu is in scotland, its being contained. The rest of England wiped their brows and though no more of it, but it was a matter of dirty people time that it coursed down in to transient central, the shanty town that is handsworth, birmingham. This place may as well be mexico. It is a melting pot of anything and everything in the world, a bit like a scene in star wars, or how you'd imagine a black market to be, you could expect to find many a dodgy character in the back alleys selling organs or ivory for cheap cheap prices. Its got gang crime, drugs, segregation, a rumour that there were signs forboding white people after certain times and now it hasss the big bad swine flu. Its the kind of place where ambiguity and things are over ever alluded to and the likes of revereand lovejoys wife from the simpsons would thrive with her "save the children oh dear go save the children" when really the children are looking at her like prey. Its not even funny any more its getting annoying, what are they doing round there? i wouldnt be suprised if the sanitation pipes had be scrapped for cheap money for more drugs and poo was lining the streets. Dirty dirty place. Eurgh if i had my way, id put a big bubble round the place, and make people have comprehensive examination if they want to leave it. Infact id make it its own country with its own passports, handsworth country, home of guns and swineflu. Handsworth sounds too good for such a craphole though, it would be called craphole, and there would be a queen of craphole. But apparently thats not humane. What is humane is letting them contaminate nice and healthy people. You nuggets.

She'll have fun till daddy takes the t-bird away

2009-06-01T05:01:00.000-07:00

I fear, well i don't, that waldorfs nostradamus like prediction that this blog will become a festering has been, is concerningly accurate. With my internet difficulties having ideas is easy, but blogging them is hard. Waldorf lives on the computer like seriously, theres much she can post so you've got her thought vomit everywhere. Me on the other hand i like to imagine myself as more of a white tiger of the blog, elusive yet beautiful haha. But no seriosuly im also getting busyyy bumblebeed, i have my driving theory that i seem to be the only person in the world whos revising for as i can't afford not to pass, June is about getting superduper fit but its exciting and easy to do when the weather is so sexy, theres this nazi youth goblin thing milling around me in which it feels courteous to entertain. Actually when i write it down, it doesn't seem much but seems to take up all my time. To be honest now, the immensity of it mustn't be to demanding as for the last 2 hours ive been sitting in my garden reading haha. Im lieing about not having time for the blog, i am just sick of computers. But as a notification, i won't be around for a while unless i get a mega good idea.

Yours substantially,
Statler.

What is this? Allanah you fancy la roux? we should take you up straight street and get you out of gay village

2009-05-19T03:48:00.000-07:00

Allanah publicly announced that she has a smouldering yearning for the ginger locks of la roux. I personally think this is vile, of all the women in the world which i think in an estimation would be 3 billion, a straight girl decideds to fancy a pastey faced ginger with the features of a turtle. I mean i like her dress sense, well some of it but her head kinda ruins it, and i think heads are quite important. I can imagine many lezzers going mental because she's gay and famous so im sorry allanah she's not going to want you, she'll have football shirts and rugby balls galore thrown at her, your dresses and pearls are not what she's after. Well she is, i dunno, is she even gay? Or are we just assuming. I bet she's married. Im sorry la roux if you go out with allanah and eventually read this, its just that you look so moody it makes me want to punch you, but i will buy your album, if you get your finger out and make one. Your just confirming my turtle theory.

Yours in the quicksand

Statler

i love statler

2009-05-10T13:14:00.000-07:00

Bein an absolute flop i take forever to get ready leaving kerry to mill about doing nothing drinking her head off, she always looks good though so she never has to get ready. We are going out tonight and again im doubling my age with the time it take, right now im straightening my greasy locks, theres spiders and everything coming out its rather disgusting but its ok cus i dnt wash. My ipod speakers have to be propped up by nail vanish, statler tried to mock but i dnt undertand why. Im also very slow in life, i dont know why this is but to get to the end of the road it takes me about 20 minutes, statlers already at our destination and hasnt even noticed im not there its so not fair, but its because im stupid at like to look around at boring things. Im also really slow at any time of procese like going the bank, i alway get my pin wrong, and then look at the screeen for another 20 minutes until i realise im at the bank and it would be nessersary for me to withdraw money, im an idiot really. I just burnt my chin because of my slow hands, and im really clumsy i rememeber when i fell down a wet muddy hill over a field once and it was really funny if u were watching, which i want becaue i was the one falling down the hill, and had to go to hospital to get stitches, after statler had tried to get the dirt out with drunken muddy hands but that faled and probabaly nearly gave me septicemia. In fact i probabaly did get septicemia but im so slow it probabaly got bored on the way to my brain and took a return ticket out. Right now im doing my eyeliner i do not joke i have been doing this now for 10 minutes. Constantly aplying it, i havent even breathed yet.

Anywayyys yours very slowly

Waldorf

So long farewell, auf weidersehen good-bye

2009-05-08T07:10:00.000-07:00

After some shifting and ducking, and changing of trade i noww have my start date which is the 19th of August. Now its actually here i am in all respects cacking my pants, ill bet itll rain. It always raining when you need encouragment. Ahhhh man i do not know what to think, its well funny. Oh well i shall be out in the big bad world, dont think its actually sunk in leaving home n all that. Ahh one minute i would be waiting a year for it all to process and literally with one phonecall i started on August 19th. Waldorfs coming with me anyway she said ahh yah ill come with you, shes gonna be more involved in the action though. Shes a good little fighter.

Anyways

Yours happily

Statler

it only happens if it doesn't matter

2009-05-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

ok ok ok its out my system this wristcutter, etgar keret obsession, i recieved the dvd and the books and now its allllll out my brain because ive watched and read it. Its worth it go and buy it, you wont find it anywhere bar the interent though, but get it anyway. Oh n im also gonna hit waldorf in the head with an ore cus she doesn't even know what career im going in to. No one bloody does. Im actually going to stop listening to other people and their stupid aspirations if they don't listen to me. I should be asleep now, ive been sent to bed for a nap before work but i cant nap very well.

Today i nearly had 3 crashes cus people cant drive, actually cant drive, obviously a purple car blends in to environments very well and people like to reverse out at speeds that only my youthful reactions (not my driving skills) saved me from. I got to use the horn though, and shake my fist like a cartoon character, that was exhilirating. I don't like driving much, people are rubbish, they can't pull off very fast so one car gets through traffic lights cus theyre so bloody stale and old and stupid and have seized up joints and a seized up brain, but then when eventually they do move they go ridiculously fast and like to make home in my boot.

I feel like this has became a childish account of my day. Wahever im just emptying my thoughts for nap time. We are also a dot com now, how that came about i do not know. What that means i also do not know. But you are missing the point, we are a dot com now. www.kerryisbetterthanallanah.com

Yours dot comly

www.Statler.com

Wino.

2009-04-30T13:01:00.000-07:00

I still have no bloody interent on my laptop, i do think in some sense it is very healthy for me not to because you know ive started noticing the smaller, pleasant things in life such as oxygen and daylight. Rather than driving my self crazyyyyy on facesmuck. Tonight is wineeeeeeeeeeeeee time cus i passed my fitness test with a flying flags n all that, a little friendly competition with a similiar candiate made me run like roadrunner and the little, muscular fitness man was really surpised and happy for me so it made me all chuffed, so then i got drunk when i got home. I'm too far gone to celebrate in another constructive ways like playing cherades or monopoly and smiling at people. Its a good place to be in though cus even if i sink like rick waller in a pool for my specialist interview, im sort of in now for other things. Things are going good boo boo bah bah blah blah humbug hopedy doo, things are going good, ive realised how old ive become when i stated thinking about where i will buy a house and what i will do with it when im all away hahah, then i slapped myself round the face and asked myself why im thinking such mature thoughts instead of playing with plasctecine. Im getting scared soon i require glasses and become responsible and boring. Even my blogs have gotten all boring. I think its the blogs fault actually. Im wrtiting my stupid thoughts in to it that i don't think about them and move on to think about other stuff. This is therapy and a half. I'll let waldorf do the crazyyyy writing, she's got the brain capacity of a 5 year old, and thats not just for now its for life.

Yours happily,

Statler.

Babes and music.

2009-04-29T07:50:00.000-07:00

Yeah so i couldn't stick to a blog a day thing im no ghandi. i mean its boring as well sitting here typing, i wish my head could just vomit up this information already in coherent prose for the internet. But as my wish list goes that is very much at the bottom. High in my wish list is for this constant looming to go, you know the sneaky look to see what someones doing on the computer, very annoying. Anwayyyyss, i ordered both wristcutters and the book from amazon aswell as another book by etgar keret which i forget what its called, and "the bus driver who wanted to be God arrived today." It is pretty mental but quite funny, mega easy to read because the stories are so short, but theyre meant to be allegorical so it works. Its good because you don't have to read them in any order and they take a second but they make you laugh, and can be quite saddening in some respects because theyre the little facts of life that you don't want to be true but are, but...funny so you're like ahhh who cares la la la. In fact that sentiment is summed up in this extract.

"As if you'ree not bummed out anyway," Uzi goes, "Look at yourself vegging in front of the TV every morning like a baboon. Get this, Mordy. The fact that nothing happens is a given. But as long as nothing happens at least let it be in a place with babes and some music. Right?"

But today i also read a story about a cash point that grants a wish for an angel to come, but he's a seedy angel and always lies all the time. A village that lies by the gates to hell and every hundred years people are allowed to come up from hell to visit the village, and then this woman falls in love with a visitor from hell. Im just about to read about a uterus that gets displayed in a museum, that one is a bit too fucked up but im sure theres some meaning in it.

Anyway, dunno why i'm on to books all of a sudden but oh wells. Im off to sit outside a bar in the sunny sun sun, and have my fitness test tomozzzzz.

Yours knobeadly.

Statler

The bus driver who wanted to be God.

2009-04-27T02:59:00.000-07:00

I have little routine in my life so I am going to instore one and do a volvic challenge-esque..challenge where for every day i am going to write a blog for 2 weeks. Just to give me something to do while i wait for things to proceed. Im gonna do the volvic challenge as well, he looks so happy in the advert and i am a sucker for adverts so im gonna drink my water and if i don't feel better, i will drown him in a sea of volvic from whence he came. I will update you on both because secretly you do care.

My first Monday blog is about this film, I am curiously obsessed with but have never watched. I'm aware this is a silly situation to be in but ive you tubed it extensivley and have searched everywhere for a copy of the DVD in HMV'S across the lands but i cant find it. The only place in on the tinternet but that requires me putting money in my bank and ordering it and waiting for it to come and blah blah. The film is called wristcutters-a love story. I am obsessed with it not just because shannyn sossamon is in it and its an early type of film she starred in like rules of attraction but because it reminds me of the science of sleep, that weird type film that looks comforting.

Here is a trailer and a clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uf9dbrjuVwE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2eR_Mbr7Oc

A road trip across purgatory is just a genius plot really isnt it.

I then discovered it was based on a short story called Knollers happy campers, part of a book called the bus driver who thought he was God by Etgar Keret. And now I am obsessed with reading that. He has some good quotes ones that make you go haha..oh ar yeah, a alternate look at the world i do suppose. Three such insights i have found are these.

"There are two kinds of people, those who like to sleep next to the wall, and those who like to sleep next to the people who push them off the bed"

"According to Gur's theory of boredom, everything that happens in the world today is because of boredom: love, war, inventions, fake fireplaces - ninety-five percent of all that is pure boredom."

"It's amazing how people can sound like retards when they're talking to their girlfriend, especially if they really love her a lot. Because when you're just fucking someone you make a point of keeping your cool, but when you're really in love - it can sound pretty repulsive."

I may go and search again in Birmz today, i have no money and really should be spending the savings i have on some jeans i ripped last week but nahhh.

Yours curiously

Statler

I feel sick.

2009-04-26T11:00:00.000-07:00

This past week has been quite a busy yet enjoyable one, after thinking hard however i realised that it contained ALOT of alcohol. ThisI did the old not gonna drink as much when i go out, but i didnt realise the lack of hang over would make me drink more often. So today i am in pain. Going out Monday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday has taken it's toll on my old body. Not a very clever thing when i have a fitness test this week, but for the 3 days ill run and gym it up alllllll day i do suppose then its back to work after having this weekend off. It has been an enjoyable week, I would like to wish Grobins a happy birthday and have some pictures of her coming of 19 year old age. I am also bankrupt. Literally have no money, maybe 5 pounds in my bank account, oo and ten pound i owe the bank of waldorf. It's quite funny when i vowed after that MONSTER hangover never to drink too much. Ah welllllll. Hopefully i can still run the mile and a half in 10 minutes 30, 2 days may have knocked the wind out of me.

Yours soberly

Statler.

Drop dead Kerry.

2009-04-21T12:18:00.000-07:00

I feel ive been very philsophically annoying in my blogs recently and there is evidence enough of that in the world as it is. So back to the grind of writing thought blogs that arent so seriously depressing.

Today i went to sophie west's house, this was a last resort. Id rang everyone up including in sheer desperation the person i met at a bus stop and talked weather to once in my life to ask if they would like to do something because cabin fever is setting in after 10 minutes alone nowdays, but this was to no avail. So i rang the westical house and went round.

It was not a pleasant journey. Oh no it wasnt, i walked in to a askew fence, ripped my jeans open and cut my leg OFF. Not quite off but i do have a substantial wound in my leg that i will say happened when i wrestled a tiger in nepal. Then when i got on the bus a fat woman blocked my exit and i tried to squeeze past but it didnt work then she finally turned round and looked at me like i was a puddle of sick on her wedding dress, i do not like it when this happens. This look of disgust, especially when she is the one who is fat and blocking my exit.

When i did get there, sophie was asleep apparently and woke up all moody. But she thawed with time not quite though, this is sophie west she is never happy ha! Then we watched some films. The first one was kids. Kids i enjoyed, the main character telly was a right stroke victim but he sufficed as a protagonist and the gist of this story was everyone got Aids and lots of 10 year olds had sex. The second film was drop dead fred.

After watching drop dead fred i came to the conclusion if i ever become a schitzophrenic, i would like fred to be the friend i create. He is insulting, mischevious, a bad influence yet caring and funny, i warmed to fred very very much. I certainly would not take pills for him to dissapear no matter what happened. If i ended up in jail, who cares, fred would be there with me, if i ended up in the aslyum, who cares fred would be there. I wouldnt even know he wasn't real, i would be a schitzophrenic i wouldnt know anything anyway. Fred is certainly an aspect of my personality, the annoying part sophie said. I just do not undersatnd how they can be so slack to fred when he only has elizabeths best interests in mind.

Here are some quotes that make me warm to fredrick.

Fred: I can't believe we left the party so soon. And there was so much wine to spit around the place.
Elizabeth: I got upset.
Fred: "I got upset." God, you're so stupid. You never leave a party 'til the very very end.
Elizabeth: Oh really?
Fred: Yeah really.
Elizabeth: Well what about Cinderella? Remember what happened with her?
Fred: No I don't remember what happened *with her*. I deliberately forgot all about her. She made me puke. I remember the ugly stepsisters, they were great.

Fred: You see when something's not working right, the best thing to do is tear it apart to make it better.

Fred: I wrote the note. Hahahahaha! Haven't got a husband! Haven't got a husband! Got a stupid hair cut!

Your my hero fred. One day i wish to be someones imaginary friend. What sophie west doesn't know is that actualyl i am her imaginary friend, and for all the insults and the whining..shes the one thats mental.

Yours by meer illusion

Statler

"Oh Marlena, I'm too young."

2009-04-19T11:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

this year i would like,

The internet on my laptop back. It is not much to ask, it seems another such luxury other people have that i struggle to obtain, its the bloody internet for god sake, taking that away aswell is just low. It is vital for me as its where i learn and grow in to the fine specimen i cannot live up to. I would also like it back because this chair smells like lemon and my parents find it exceedingly exciting to loom over and try and catch a glimpse of the sordid affairs i organise. If there anything i dislike more is being loomed upon, it is very rude. If they want to express an interest in to the twirling cogs of my brain then they should ask me, ofcourse they do ask me and i get annoyed and say stop asking me questions.

Im also sick of "borrowing" my neighbours wireless connection, linksy whoever you are im sorry, but I have a life to lead. Im not sorry however if its my next door neighbours though, if it is them i find that funny and will continue to slow down your connection even when i get my own back, that will teach you for constantly watching my every move in the garden. I see you, you know, it is light and you have big faces, they are very hard not to miss.

I would also like some maturity as well please. I have adequate intelligence but nothing to tell me what to do with it. It is very disabling when you can see the right way to go, have all the tools to proceed but the complete retardation not to. It would also help if i knew what it was. I wikepdiad it once and it came up with this. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maturity_(psychological).

It helped me a little but then i realised my immaturity is routed deeper than i thought because i wanted to be mature, and i wanted it now. (It really doesnt help with my progress either as when im currently typing this sentence, my dog actually toppled to the ground because he is too old and senile to co-ordinate his legs instead of reaching down with concern i laughed.)

I then asked the mother ship, well i didn't really have to ask, she was looming and knew straight off what i was going to ask. "It comes with age," "But wikepedia said it came with experience," "At 19 your not meant to be mature, your meant to be sensible," "am i sensible?" "no." This did not help me.

Perhaps it was environmentally ingrained to me that sensible related to boring, to be sensible required wearing glasses. I did not want to become boring as a child or as an adolenscent and now as a semi-sort of adult i still do not want that to happen. Have you heard older people talk, bloody hell its like listening to my own funeral.

I remember listening to someone i worked with once upon a time, and she was really in to this story of a once upon a time drunken antic, like building it up n everything, taking ages blah de blahing n all, "oo so we got all this wine and id had about several glasses, which is quite unlike me..yaddy yarr....n i got sooo drunk you should have seen me, i was sliding down my chair," Her punch line, the epitome of a wild time was that. That is when i had second thoughts about growing up. Id upstaged her 10 fold and i was about 3 decades younger.

Golly gosh i do not know, ive got some serious googling to do. But as our fellow brummies the twang sing "I tell myself i won't do it again, but i know i'll be lieing in my bed my thoughts racing like they always have been."

I will try though. It will happen. Its just this stage im at i reckon, its a very slow to progress stage and im standing here chomping on my bit raring to go, getting all worked up. Its finding the balence aint it waldorf, you know between being a sap and still remaining enthusiastic about life. It's as good old mr green our english teacher once said, that the human character is full of contradictions and hypocrises, this is becoming ever more apparent of myself.

Yours progressivly.
Statler.

"I can't think of anything to say except... I think it's marvelous! HaHaHa!

2009-04-18T09:09:00.000-07:00

This blog requires a foreward in order for you to be warned that this is not the usual past experience, a chance to moan or one of Allanah's explosion of the mind, in fact i am bringing this blog down from floating away in to madness and tieing it to a rail like a unwilling balloon, just at least for this one solitary piece.

This could i fear be boring but because i lack the neural power to produce logical sentences, the only way i convey real ideas is by writing them down, or talking non sensically to other retards with the same problem. I have decided that i should have a new 2009 resolution, even if it has been decided a third of the way through the year.

It is a simple enough sentiment is my tri annual resolution, but it appears very hard for me to live up to, a old arch nemesis resolution that has been battled with for 19 years. The resolution is "Don't be an idiot." Normal people seem equipped to be able to do this, but i am very good at being an idiot, if it were a sport i would be champion. Champion idiot. It encompasses a large array of events within a life is this being an idiot in. It just means i physicall can't stop doing things that knobeads do. I suppose it is the flip side of impulsive behavoir or of madness.

"Do not be an idiot," looks quite boring on paper but i am sure there are many bonuses to be had. Numero uno on my agenda is to curve the habitual binge drinking as i am a drink away from kidney explosion and being an alcoholic. My inability not to be a idiot and stop buying drinks is greatly expressed when drunk. This is also when i do most of my idiot work, saying stuff i don't really know anything about, making friends with bad and strange people and offending quite a few others.

The second part of don't being an idiot is to be a bit more healthy, like back in the by gone days of Everest or when i had some spirit and self control. I enjoy being healthy, eating right, excersing n that so i do not quite understand why i have stopped doing it. Now ive realised it is because i am champion idiot. But now with this career path im on it's a must for me to be a person as opposed to this pastey face , lump of skin that has been shuffling drunkenly around.

My third part of "do not be an idiot," is not to get myself any distractions in the form of other people. 2009 is about getting myself in to a good job, having fun with pals, getting healthy, passing my driving tests etc and getting some money to float around with. This is the hardest part of the resolution because i enjoy other people, it is just when they become distractions is it bad for me and distraction point is when it all goes wrong and initial response is to mope around and act of smackable. Distraction point i find myself in quite a lot you see, which is why it is becoming a problem. So to over come this i refuse to go to point of distraction and then invest the energy if it does get forced head first in to that in to my resolition. This is only one option of course. The other is hard drugs until i become a trainspotting-esque vegetable, removing my eyes or brain surgery.

I like the idea of brain surgery as it is the easy option and couldn't possible go wrong. Allanah is going to be my surgeon as we have already purchased the how to of brain surgery from the alternative health section of waterstones and decided the operation date to be that of when i come back from work on the 19th of April. It will be perfomed at eyles hospital so when ive come round from my smack over the head anaesthetic you should come and visit me. I may not remember or like you. The brain is a very complicated organ and the full effects of brain surgery were too serious and boring to research meticuously.

Yours pre operationly

Statler.

In God we trust.

2009-04-08T09:21:00.000-07:00

On April 1st, I had a car and by 2nd April the car was dead. I had called the car Wibby, Wibby the grape because its licence place was Wibby and it was purple. I know it’s not a very sexy name or a real name in fact but it just stuck. I liked Wibby and despite his rather feminine colour and pink air fresher, he was a boy, a very camp ageing boy. Perhaps in his hey day he enjoyed sex and the city and rolling his r‘s, but now he’d matured and the years had not been kind to Wibby but still in that little battery of his he had some va va voom.

Naturally me and Wibby fell in love, being my first car and all. A purely platonic kind of love, one girl and her purple, camp car. I gave him some TLC in the form of dashboard wipes, I got the hair out of his heater, bought him some new mats, got rid of the “mums taxi” sign, that he confided in me had embarrassed him for years, and spent hours making him look all nice for the other homosexual cars to check him out with. Unfortunately when Wibby felt at his best in years, Wibby was subject to malpractice when a routine operation went catastrophically wrong. Out poured all Wibby’s gearbox oil and the hole to replace the oil was deep in the chasms of Wibby’s underbelly. Twas weird, the first thing I thought of when I saw that honey coloured life force pouring out of his little shell, was that advert for the car phone warehouse with Moby the mobile and he’s walking along the street or something and he gets run over and everyone’s sad. That’s how I felt about Wibby.

Anyway we got a mechanic out and I soothed him as he saw the fog lights of car heaven and heard the horns of all the other automotives of by gone eras beckoning him. But this mechanic didn’t have the tools to sort Wibby out and we read him his last rights from the Nissan manual, consulted his MOT, all the standard parting precautions for his trip to the afterlife.

I of course was distraught, annoyed as well, very annoyed. I shouldn’t of expected more, it seems to be a gift of mine to have these marvellous things dangled in front of me, and I bat at them like a playful kitten, purring, thinking “ahh this is the life.” Then along comes some spiteful, beast of a dog like in the cartoons and gets the object of my affection and kills it, stamps it into the ground and maliciously laughs. A bit like the routine of how Allanah forces me to do things.

I am Tweety pie and fate is Sylvester or I am Bugs bunny and fate is Elma Fudd, you know the one “I gonna catch me a wabbit,” forever in this dangle, take away, dangle, take away, loop.

Fate doesn’t favour me. Well it does, but because its teasing me. There have been other such things in my life I’ve had to endure that have had a similar outcome but that’s for my therapist Basil.

Well anyway I couldn’t bear to look at Wibby in such a state, leaking everywhere and hearing his metallic moans as various tools tore away at his little 1 litre engine. I went for an unsatisfying run. I ate my unsatisfying dinner. I went to church and asked God how he could take such a pretty, innocent thing away from me and received a unsatisfying and silent answer. I pined and I sulked and I mourned like a widow or a younger, less annoying Bridget Jones. I sang along to “All by myself” and gained 10 pounds.

Our morale had hit rock bottom, we had £1650 insurance with a car that didn’t work anymore, in fact we didn’t even have that. The insurance started the next day. Wibby would have spent a full 24 hours in Hades underworld, he would be luke warm in his grave and then with all excitement the insurance company would inform us that Wibby was now legally allowed to be driven. Oh the pain.

But anyway, I was watching a rather unsatisfying episode of Hollyoaks when I sensed, with the telekinetic powers me and Wibby seemed to share, some kind of stirring within his accelerator, a slight hum of his battery. I leaped out the door towards him and saw his limp lights, dully shining. “WIBBY” I exclaimed. Several painstaking hours of determination and the removal of engine components to save our 4 wheeled hero had come up trumps. He was going to be ok. I mean we were worried, because to repair Wibby and get him a nice new engine would have been more than we paid for poor old Wibz, and that would be money we wouldn’t be able to spend in this times of economic crisis.

Now what is the point of this blog I hear you cry, well there is just one point I will conclude with even though, I suppose there’s several lessons here about forgiveness, jumping to conclusions and tucked away in there is a prime Buddhist teaching not to invest my thoughts in to wanting and attaching to these material objects because they will inevitable bring about dissatisfaction and are an opaque barrier between humans and enlightenment. But they’re pointless as I learnt non of that. What I did learn was that it is 100% proven by divine inspiration and theological analysis in this Easter period, that through his birth, death and resurrection, Wibby is the Jesus of cars.

Your religiously.

Statler.

Richard and Judy's book of the week.

2009-03-30T02:25:00.001-07:00

Dear boo boo, bah bah, humbug,

Today i was in a deep, energizing slumber and i was planning on sleeping quite a while and then waking in a gentile fashion, ingesting some nutrients and then burning them nutrients on a MEGA run of death. But to my sleepy suprise i was woken by a book being dropped on my feet. A driving book. All about driving. Then, twere like it were dropped on my head and i got and idea for a blog, screw the conversation we had like "yeah booking you driving lessons today, you gotta learn the highway code blah blah" my mind was on the blog.

Our blog. Mine and Allanahs, the fruit of our loins. Little Boo Boo, Bah Bah, Humbug. I'm always thinking of you Boo Boo.

The idea is greatly expressed in the title. Books. Yay, we love books. Allanah doesn't much, she's a bad reader, i unloaded some Dr Seuss with her last year, but still Freya has greatly surpassed Waldorf's reading age.

My two favourite books i contemplated are "Catch 22," and "The catcher in the rye."

A few weeks ago, Louise had an idea. Louise's idea was "Im going to buy catcher in the rye," I naturally inquired why to such a statement, "Why do you want to buy catcher in the rye Louise?" I forgot her answer. Sorry louise. But it were somert lame so we went off to find catcher in the rye, she looked in the classics, silly girl, catcher in the rye would never be in the classics with all the pretentious pride and prejudices and unlikable little women. I found the book and handed it her.

I was tooting good old catchers horn, being a big advertiser for J.D saligner "I love this book, its wicked, blah blah." Louise stared blankly at the cover until she cautiously asked "What is this book about?" "Well, nothing happens much in it, it's just about this boy who spends a few nights in new york on his own and that and accounts his thoughts n all that," She mulled that over.

Then i dropped the sinker, "I like it though because if i wrote a book, it'd probabaly be exactly like catcher in the rye, because the main character and i just think the same." To this statement, Louise said, "Oh God," and never brought the book.

If your wondering what louise did buy...don't. it were somert SHIT. But yeah i like catcher in the rye because its just really funny and it's like my tiny brain has wrote a book. But at the end it does have some corkers of information in the conersation between Holden and Mr Antoloni.

It has been given a bit of a bad light because of that crackhead shooting John Lennon claimed he did it because of catcher in the rye, and John Lennon reading it at the time of his assination. With that in mind be warned that you do get old men with there glass eyes, emerging from shadowed corners of the book shop, foreboding you to buy it, but im sure by reading it if your of stable dissposition you won't go out and assinate the nearest Beatle.

Catch 22 is just genius, its actual genius, but this blog has gone on too much now i'm sure you've all died by now and it's the year 2060 so im going to end it, i don't have an ancedote for catch 22 either.

I'll leave you with an extract from both for you to get your paws round.

"I figured I could get a job at a filling station somewhere, putting gas and oil in people's cars. I didn't care what kind of job it was, though. Just so people didn't know me and I didn't know anybody. I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes. That way I wouldn't have to have any goddam stupid useless conversations with anybody. If anybody wanted to tell me something, they'd have to write it on a piece of paper and shove it over to me. They'd get bored as hell doing that after a while, and then I'd be through with having conversations for the rest of my life. Everybody'd think I was just a poor deaf-mute bastard and they'd leave me alone."-Catcher in the rye

"He was polite to his elders, who disliked him. Whatever his elders told him to do, he did. They told him to look before he leaped, and he always looked before he leaped. They told him never to put off until the next day what he could do the day before, and he never did. He was told to honor his father and his mother, and he honored his father and his mother. He was told that he should not kill, and he did not kill, until he got into the Army. Then he was told to kill, and he killed. He always turned the other cheek on every occasion and always did unto others exactly as he would have had others do unto him. When he gave to charity, his left hand never knew what his right hand was doing. He never took the name of the Lord his God in vain, committed adultery or coveted his neighbour's ass. In fact, he loved his neighbour and never even bore false witness against him. Major Major's elders disliked him because he was such a flagrant nonconformist." Catch 22.

Good afternoon.

Your loving Statler.

Salutations.

2009-03-29T15:01:00.001-07:00

Dear boo boo, bah bah, humbug.

Today we started a blog.
Allanah makes me do a lot of things, she forces me, she gets me by the hair, throws my face in the dirt and wails in her tyrannic, Birmingham drawl "KERRY YOU ARE DOING THIS".

A few days ago she made me make a virtual farm, sometimes i lose sleep over it thinking how my life since 2006 has turned into a hedonistic, virtual farming, blogging, facebook waste of talent but that's for me and my therapist Basil.

Today she made me listen to "lady in red," the original of course (on repeat) and now she is making me introduce this blog.

In all honesty, im scared of this blog, it has a lot of buttons that take me to strange destinations what is a monetise? what is my dashboard? what is help? I think that this could be a good thing for us..and erm for you? yeah for you as well. YOU whoever YOU are. Once we get in to the swing of things we could be an unstoppable force of ideas, writing our way in to history. We could change the world, couldn't we Allanah...

Kerry says:

We could change the world allanah.
[c=6]Lanaaaaaaa. [/c] says:

I know, we really could change the world kerry.

Most likely it will be an account of how we got drunk, the observations of being two bums in birmingham, and moaning about everything. That's a promise.

Do i leave a kiss? Just one. I'll leave you with one kiss. You lucky person.

X

Statler.